Have you ever noticed how bored you can be, even if you are with friends?
Well, last night, I went clubbing with some others and discovered that that is a truth all its own, and it is not a pretty one. Now, granted I was getting over being sick and I was a little irritable. (On a side note, I must apologize to Cheeser for biting her head off at the end. Usually I can take a joke, even if people repeat it over and over and over again, but not yesterday…) I was glad that everyone was having fun. There were a lot of people at the club and dancing was difficult at best sometimes (considering I’m one of those that requires lots of feet room). Despite the fact that there were tons of people and I was with friends, I could not shake the eerie, “I’m bored.” feeling out of my head. Maybe it was just me, but I tried to talk to my friends on the dance floor, but most of them were busy talking to each other and I am not one to force myself onto people, especially since I could barely hear anything anyway. I spent half the time drinking water and sitting in a chair. Man, when W kept on asking me “Are you still going?” over and over again, I should have taken that as a sign and not gone. I still have no idea why every time we talked, he would ask me that…baffles me. If I say, “yes” once, doesn’t that imply that I am going and I’ll tell you if I change my mind kind of thing? But, I think he asked me if I was going, like, 5 times on 5 separate occasions. Of course, originally, I was not going, I suppose, because I was never actually asked to go. I should have taken that as a sign too. I mean, I may be sick and all?, but when going to the club actuates from a conversation that goes something like this:

J: Are you still going clubbing?
W: Yes
J: Who is going?
W: Just D and I.
J: Anyone else?
W: Ch1 and Ch2, but both of them are sick and might not be going.
J: Ah…well, I would like to go clubbing. I was never asked…what is with that?
(pause)
W: 3 guys, we’ll be pimpin’ (I remember this line, because, I hate to say this, 3 guys at a club together is a group, 2?…)

So, there was no real question prompting “wanna go clubbing?” and there was the constant, “Are you still going?” theme. Also, when D was first asked, I was in the room with them both (maybe I was invisible…and, I did not want to invite myself…that would be rude). I had assumed that they wanted to go clubbing alone or something. But, I guess a lot of people had been formally asked. Even A (no offense A) who openly says that she does not want to go clubbing (but, can be convinced to, I suppose) was asked. Also, when D and I finally arrive at W’s house so I can drive them, everyone asks D if he is ready to go clubbing…um…I’m there too…hello? Out of all that, I should have discerned, just maybe, that I should not go. Especially since I was just getting over being sick anyway. And, as I said, at the club, I barely spoke to anyone. I don’t really think I had a chance to. And, every time I did start to talk to someone, they would automatically switch to someone else when that someone else came along. It was the oddest thing. Maybe I am being a little paranoid, but it does not seem that people were in an “I wanna talk to J” mode.
I’ve learned that I am a very passive aggressive person that tends not to express his feelings too much (unless people ask, but that barely happens either). I have a few friends who actually ask me how I really feel about stuff and other friends of whom I talk about girls with and others for whom I only have small talk with. Now, all of that does not begin with me…sorry to say this, but all true. Whatever conversations happen with my friends is a result of their responses to my questions or prompts. E.g.: How are you today? That can be answered in many ways. Some friends tend to explain and divulge stuff while others just say…I’m fine. Now, if they say that, I am very inclined to say the same…don’t wanna bring down their day. So, I usually go with their answers and go with the flow.
Maybe I should be more aggressive with my questions with others and maybe more aggressive with conversations I have, especially these days. I have noticed more and more lately how whenever I am talking to someone how easily some of these people can just up and leave the conversation to go to another one. I tend to be the listener, but when I want to have someone listen, I think I have to tell them to listen, because lately, I’ve found that my conversation just gets washed over. I ask people how their days were or how they are feeling and sometimes they actually tell me and they ask me the same (out of some innate code or something), but I never really get to say much. I begin to explain myself, but it never seems as if anyone is paying attention. Only when I say something that is rude or obscene, then it gets to be noticed right away. And then, that is made fun of, usually. (e.g.: J doesn’t curse, ooh…) So, I have not had a “complete” conversation with anyone for a while…unless it is online or someone who is devoted to the conversation or started it first. Now, people will ask me, “OK, J, give us some examples…” Um, well, people, if the conversation was cut short, obviously it was not there, and you would probably not remember it either. Next time, I’ll learn that if I am not asked at first, then I should just chalk it up, say “no” and move on because the experience that comes from it will probably not be such a good one. Well, I do not usually vent like this, and it is venting. After I wrote the above, I felt much better. I was not going to publish it, especially on so public a forum, but otherwise, I do not think that it would be voiced at all…and, that might be the sadder note. As usual, it is only my viewpoint on things. I would not feel this way unless it happens often enough for me to care that it does happen. If anyone wants to talk about it, I welcome the invite to the conversation.